And then…?

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Last week I pronounced my first words in Catalan after more than one year. It was just a formal farewell. Adeu, bonna nit… – I said to one of the guests who had come to the International Week of Culture Factories here in Plzeň. It was nothing, just two words… but it brought me back all the memories of the days I was living in Barcelona. The places that were once a part of my life, the friends that were once really close and not anymore, the smell of the Mediterranean Sea, the language, the work, the strolls around the city drunk and not drunk, the awfully hot days of summer and the quite cold nights of winter, the pa amb tomàquet, the cava, the village of Sitges, the amazing events in which I could take part, the bad experiences, the Catalan music, the plans that were never realized, the first meetings, the last farewells, the feelings and emotions that will never come back…

One day you wake up and you also realize that your EVS is coming to an end.  It is only one year and the time passes so quickly that you can’t even take your time to think about it. But suddenly, one day you open your milk brick for breakfast and pay attention to the expiration date: 14th January 2014.  A day that doesn’t belong to your EVS life. To your Czech life. And you can’t help but thinking about what will you be doing that day, thousands of kilometers away from Plzeň. And what will the people you are looking right now, in the office, in the train, through the window of your room… will be doing that day, at the same time, in the same places you are still visiting now but you won’t anymore, feeling them further and further every day…

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So one day although you are still here, walking through the same old street you’ve been walking for the last nine months in your way to work, looking again at the same old man who stands firm and calm in front of the city hall door –as if the time wasn’t an issue for him-; you start to feel that they might disappear at any time, and you imagine yourself wandering around other streets, the ones from your childhood, that maybe –and only maybe- will be the ones from your future… And there, one year later, suddenly, you meet one person from Czech Republic, why not,  and although your conversation is in English or Spanish, you pronounce your first words in Czech after a long, long time… and you feel weird, and nostalgic, and sad, really sad… because you are not there anymore, and you know that if you come back, nothing will be the same. Maybe the city will stay there as it was, maybe you will even meet some people you met before –many other will have left…-, but they will have changed, they will have other responsibilities, other friends, other lives… as well as you, and you don’t know anymore if you are now a tourist, a foreigner, a citizen or just a guy lost in time and space, wondering why everything nowadays must go by so quickly…

To be honest, there are still more than two months until I finish my EVS here but I can already feel the anguish of the end. Many questions to answer that will never be answered, many plans to do that will never be done and many people to meet more deeply that will never be as close as I would have wanted. Now, it doesn’t matter where I am, I can’t run away from the frightening question: What will you do after the EVS? May be is my mother by phone, the friend I just congratulated for his birthday by Facebook, some guy from my organisation or a person I have just met for the first time a few minutes ago…  And although I can change my answer, I am always saying the same… Well… Let’s see, I don’t know… Maybe I stay here, maybe I come back, maybe, maybe…

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The truth is that I am afraid. Afraid of the real world.  Afraid of saying something that I can’t fulfill. Afraid of saying something strongly and definitive.  Something like… Yes, I will stay here and look for a job after my EVS. Because not all depends on me. And I’ve never been much determined and secure. I am more the kind of person who use “If I…” sentences. If I could find something, If I had more time, If I was younger…  I feel comfortable in the “If I”, where everything is still possible and I don’t have to say no, to say good bye…

So the only thing I know for sure, the only answer I can give right now,  is that If I (always “If I”…) come back to Gran Canaria, I will miss Czech Republic more than I could have imagined before. I will miss the nefiltrované pivo, the trips around and outside the country, the snow, the ice hockey  team Škoda Plzeň, the ovocné knedlíky, the awfully cold days of winter and the not so hot days of summer, the EVS trainings and all my friends, the Czech music and the summer festivals, the summer workcamp, the Plzeň 2015 events and the places where they took place, the office, the Bory Park -so close to my dormitory…-, the strolls around the city drunk and not drunk, the mushrooming –although I only did it twice-, the Thursdays football, the lakes and the rivers, the days and nights in Prague and the friend houses where I could stay, the amazing nature, the Czech movies, the trains (which can talk so much about this country), the plans and the things that will probably happen in the next two months, the first meetings, the last farewells, the feelings and emotions that will never come back… And her. I will miss her so much.

1 thought on “And then…?

  1. very..very touching !!i like every word of this post!good job 😉 its made me afraid about my future evs and im already feel sad (

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